I’ve been a little quiet….again!
It’s funny how this should be a space where I should get my feelings out and yet in the tough/busy times I write in my head instead and only once processed seem to share….nothing wrong with it, just the way I’m wired I guess….

So friends of ours has a little baby boy a week ago…..short labour, no drugs, NATURAL labour and it reared its ugly head….The fact that I had a caesarean!!!

This is where all men will stop reading and all ladies who have had an unplanned caesarean will prick up their ears because they too will get it….

Following the birth of my son I felt cheated and really battled the way my birth had played out. I think it played a significant role in how I dealt with new motherhood.

If you had asked me straight after the birth what I was going to do with no 2 it was DEFINITE VBAC (Vaginal birth after caesarean) and in the months that have passed I still want it as badly but the fear of the things that can go wrong are starting to outweigh the want and desire. You see if your uterus ruptures your baby can end up in your stomach and baby can die or have serious brain damage and you could end up with a hysterectomy……told you it was serious

My reason for wanting a natural is simple. I have little boy who is active and I really battled after my Caesar to do anything. I battled getting active again and I battled with living in a haze with all the pain meds , never mind the consequences of taking all those pain med (filed under the TMI to-much-information section ) So I want to be able to bounce back like women do with a natural. Then my otyher reason is one that I can’t explain. I want to be able to give birth naturally. I feel cheated, I feel like I didn’t get it right……never mind all the kak we had with Daniel following the Caesar…..

You’re in luck though because I have processed this and this is what I’ve come up with.

I’m not going to plan my Caesar, I want the excitement of now knowing when he/she will arrive. Just as we will not find out what we are having. I will however not put my needs before my unborn child , it’s a fact of motherhood, you kids come first form the moment they are created. And so I have decided I will have a Caesar because ultimately I never want anything bad to happen and I would never forgive myself if anything did.

Who’s been down this road and what did you decide in the end? Because Goggle only tells you the bad. So I won’t lie I’m afraid, very afraid and I think I’ve made up my mind….