So I’ve been running a bit, which is so good for me. It makes me less hyped up and a nicer person….well at least most of the time. Today has however been a bad day…. It’s been a day of the crazies where my demons have chased me and pretty much just been one of those days where I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed (not a luxury one is afforded when you have two kids )
It’s been a day of self loathing for not being good enough that I’m jobless at the end of this month and that I run the risk of putting my family’s well being at risk if this business of mine fails…..it’s hard not to take it personally when a company decides they don’t need you.
It’s been a day where I’ve questioned friendships and not being good enough. And questioned why I never seem to make the cut….over and over, but I’m always good for it when it suits.
It’s been a day of questioning my parenting of my ginger. Am I too hard, and how much baggage am I leaving him with by the way I parent him? As I always seems to be making excuses for the way I parent him.
It’s a day where I have HATED my body, every lump and bump and every gram of the 5kgs I’m still carrying and yet feeling really flat about the journey I still have to travel to get it off…. It’s a day where I’ve wished I was a boy, bless my dear (skinny) husband who just doesn’t realised how awesome it is to be A boy with no self loathing cares in the world….. Cares I know I’m doomed to pass onto my Darling daughter without ever trying. That’s the crappiness of this world that places so much pressure on looking skinny and beautiful. I know I have had two children and still breastfeeding one but I can’t seem to embrace my saddle bags and muffin top even though I ‘apparently’ look amazing for someone who had a baby 5 months ago!
It’s lastly it’s been a day of horrible heartache as I watch my precious daddy drool more and more due to the paralysis in his face and watch his weak legs wobble as he tries to stand. It hurts like hell when I say prayers with my ginger and we end off with ‘ and a special prayer for bugger’ a prayer we have prayed now for a year and it makes me sick as I still don’t know how you explain heaven to a little person…..so whilst my head knows I don’t want my dad to live like this my heart screams with very fibre of my being IM NOT READY.
So yah it’s been a shit day! So I’m in bed it 8pm and it’s lights out for me. It’s the only way I know how. Pray, sleep, regroup and start over tomorrow. And again I’m reminded of one of my favorite quotes from the movie castaway with Tom hanks
‘ I have to keep breathing…For tomorrow the sun with rise, who knows what the tide could bring’